Firstly, sorry for disappearing this year. I know it’s not cool to be faithfully posting and then suddenly nothing—especially with no note.

Why?

I had the opportunity at the start of 2023 to cat/house sit for January–March. It seemed a perfect opportunity to focus on getting the last three chapters of my book written. But I also knew God had some other things in mind. Having time with only a cat for company gave God and I the opportunity to deal with some deep emotional pain/ grief that I needed privacy to express fully. To face fears, ungodly beliefs, pain and grief, and trust God with the parts of my heart I’d shut off to cope.

God was so tender, patient, kind and relentless. He was committed to my healing, knowing the freedom and joy I could experience if I let Him in to heal. It sounds idyllic. But it was tough not to have the distractions of others but to sit in the quiet and be with my pain.

As Christians, we can be so uncomfortable with the feelings of pain that we think it’s bad to sit with them. To want to just give them up to God and then focus on something ‘nice’. However, if you look at the Psalms, especially David’s, there is such raw emotion. He expressed all of them before God. He lamented. David knew that if he were fully honest with God, God would meet him in the midst. To share in the suffering and confusion. Voicing it all to God and allowing Him to take the burden, simultaneously finding God’s peace, truth and strength. We keep our eyes focused upwards on Christ and let the Holy Spirit into every wounded crevis. If we choose to take God at His word, to trust that He is the Healer, Almighty One, the Vindicator and Protector, then we have to let Him be that with every aspect of our life. In order to do this, we have to let Him into the dark parts where we keep our fears and shame.

Finding Potential

God surprised me one day. I had been stuck on how to move forward and asked God to give me a dream to help me understand. In the dream, in the dark, I found a little girl cowering in a corner. After a few attempts to talk to her, she said her name was Potential. But she didn’t want to talk to me because I wouldn’t really listen. Potential was angry with me. After a few more attempts to get her to share more, she said, “I won’t talk with you more until you deal with your fears.”

After some time of being honest with myself about what fears I might have, more pain erupted. I had silenced myself because my head couldn’t accept what my heart felt. My mental truth was at odds with my emotional truth. But you can’t reconcile them until you listen to both. Then we are able to allow God to heal the pain and replace the lie with His truth.

Some of my lies were connected to the fact that both my parents were dead. I felt alone that I had no one to fight for me. I am still single, now barren, living away from Scotland, no parents—the feeling on alone would crash over me like a crushing wave. But the truth is, God. The God with the angel armies is always standing beside me. Spiritually I am a giant, and I’m never alone. Emotionally I can either embrace the Holy Spirit and share with those in my local community. Physically I have lots of amazing people around me, I only need to go connect with them. The enemy, the Devil, would love to cut me off, try to make me think the lie that I’m alone because they won’t understand or I’m not really part of their family. But I am part of God’s family, and this is eternal. Nothing can separate me from this truth; it’s why Jesus died for me.

Towards the end of my cat/house-sitting time, I was driving to church and simply asked God to heal my pain. I didn’t want to carry the burden of it any more. I was good with letting go of all of it. I didn’t feel like I had this significant spiritual healing. I just felt a little lighter. But in May, when I went back to Glasgow to visit friends and family. I had another surprise. Usually, when I’m back home, I carry a mix of joy and pain. I love seeing my sister and friends and enjoy going to all the familiar places I miss when I’m abroad. But it’s always backed by the pain of loss. Of having to say goodbye, missing them and the heartbreak of separation. But this time, the pain didn’t come. There was only joyous freedom. To freely embrace loved ones and enjoy time with them. My heart relaxed into their love without bracing for the pain of knowing I’d have to leave again. This is when I knew I had received the healing I didn’t think was possible to this level. I love it.

What else I’ve been up to

During those months, I was also able to finish the last draft chapters of my book, the one I’ve been working on for years. It will be called something like Being a godly leader from the inside out. I am working on editing it now. I have also embraced my creative side and published several notebooks and a few structured devotionals on Amazon. But as I’m also staff with YWAM in Burtigny and have other responsibilities too, it’s taking a while to do. But I hope early Spring is a reasonable target to launch it. If you want to know more about what I’m publishing, sign up for my emails; follow me as an author on Amazon or follow me on Instagram or TikTok @whomealeader.

In the summer, I also wrote this year’s Advent Devotional. You can read more about it in the Recommendations section of this site. I still stayed silent here and on social media, as I felt the break was what I needed to focus on the other things I’m responsible for. But I will be more present on Instagram and TikTok this coming season. And here, when I have the notion to write something.

 

If you’re wondering what happened to Potential. During the summer, I felt God prompt me to volunteer to step up and lead something outside of my comfort zone. As I wrote the email to volunteer, I had a mental vision. Potential (who was now a young adult) came skipping over to the tree I was using as a metaphor in the email to explain why I wanted to volunteer. She smiled over at me and then became part of the tree trunk and a thick branch of the tree. At that moment, I felt like my journey to embrace my potential was complete. I felt peace and confidence as I sent that email. Knowing I was doing exactly what God (and Potential) wanted from me.

 

My prayer for you is that this blog will give you the courage to go to God and share your fears or pain. Trusting Him to love and heal you.